Social Study's Loss Of Human Rights

For the last week in social study's we have had to right a small paragraph about loss of human right we then had to get someone to help us edit it. The top paragraph is the first one the second is the edited version.

First Text

It is not fair that someone can take away your human rights. Because one day you were living free the next you are stuck making stuff from sunrise to set. It also was not fair because he never sees his family and the last time he saw them was when he was around 5. It is also not fair because he does not get on education so he can't do maths and everything like that.

Edited Text

It is not fair that someone can take away your human rights just like they took Iqbal's rights away. Because one day you were living free, the next you are stuck making carpet and bricks  from sunrise to sunset. You also don’t have a choice otherwise you get put in a pit and get chained up. Another reason why there should be no child slavery is because the children never see their family. The last time they saw them was when they were probably around 5. In fact Iqbal was taken away from his family when he was 4. It's also not fair because none of the children get an education so they don’t know how to read, do maths, writing and some of them don’t even know how to have fun. Human rights should be given to everyone in the world no matter how old they are or what they look like. No one should have to be forced to do all of this work, especially children, they should be getting an education and having fun as a child.